You should want to talk to strangers
We tend to overestimate how awkward it is and underestimate how nice it is to talk to strangers
Listen to this blog post as a podcast episode on Spotify.
Welcome to “You’re Worth Knowing,” where I break down how toxic shame sneaks into your life every week, influences your decisions, and keeps you stuck.
Toxic shame isn’t just a feeling—it’s a voice in your head that tells you you’re not enough. Not successful enough. Not productive enough. Not lovable enough.
And the worst part? The more you try to outrun it, the louder it gets.
But here’s the truth: shame is a liar, and you don’t have to keep listening to it.
Let’s talk about why you should go out of your way to talk to strangers.
Chances are you’re going out of your way not to talk to strangers; I know the feeling.
Some things that probably come to mind when you talk to a stranger are the awkward silence, the dreaded small talk, and the high expectations.
But hopefully, after you hear what I say, you’ll see conversations with strangers in a different light and want to talk to strangers.
It’s time to stop having negative associations with strangers as if all they want to do is feed us poisonous candy.
What if I were to tell you that conversations with strangers can be surprisingly satisfying?
Sounds crazy, right?
We’re so focused on how awkward it will be that we deliberately avoid trying to have a deeper conversation at the start.
And then we die inside, making small talk.
Remember, you have permission to skip the small talk! Even with a stranger, a meaningful conversation is just that…meaningful.
We want to have more meaningful conversations, yet we overestimate how uncomfortable we’ll be and underestimate how much we’ll enjoy them.
What if I were to tell you that they’ve done studies asking people to talk to strangers?
Psychologists have predicted that conversations between strangers feel less awkward and create more connectedness and happiness than the participants expected.
In one study, the researchers conducted twelve experiments with more than 1,800 participants to examine the degree to which others are interested in connecting through conversation with strangers.
What they found was that quote:
Before speaking, people expected strangers to be relatively uninterested in the content of the conversation. Yet after speaking, people indicated that the person they spoke with was more interested and caring than they expected.
As a result, people felt more connected and happier after speaking with a stranger than they had anticipated, and deep conversations between strangers felt less awkward than expected as well.
Deep conversations between strangers tend to go better than people expect.
Guess what? Those chats with people you don’t know, like when you’re in line for coffee or on the bus, are usually way better than you’d think.
This study found that whether the talk is about deep stuff or just chit-chat, it’s not as awkward as people usually expect.
And the best part? People feel more connected and have a better time than they thought.
They then tested another hypothesis: the researchers had participants engage in shallow conversations with one stranger and deep discussions with another stranger.
What do you think happened? Most participants initially expected to prefer the shallow conversation, but after having both, they preferred the deep conversation.
Both deep and shallow conversations with strangers feel less awkward.
How interesting is that?!
So, let’s move away from its technical aspects and think of it more practically.
Let’s imagine two scenarios.
In the first scenario, you’re meeting someone you know, a friend, back-to-back.
So, after going out to dinner and catching up on everything, you meet again the next day. You can find other things to discuss, but you’ve exhausted many of your thoughts and stories.
Here’s why this can be hard:
If you have social anxiety, the thought of meeting on consecutive days can be mentally taxing.
You might dread meeting again or be pressured to say something to skip the awkward silence.
You might prefer to leave some time between meeting your friend to feel you’ll have something to discuss.
Now, the second scenario is conversing with a stranger.
You go to a friend’s birthday party or your child’s playdate and sit beside a stranger. You realize you have many things in common, and time flies by.
Here’s why this can be easy:
Endless possibilities for a conversation, you’re more curious and engaged
It’s a blank slate, so you can feel free to ask any questions and talk about yourself
There’s the “liking gap” that’s on your side
Remember the liking gap?
The liking gap occurs when we meet someone new. They probably have no expectations of us, whereas we have ridiculously high expectations of ourselves.
Studies show we fall short of our expectations but exceed the person we’re talking to.
Even if you’re self-critical or feel awkward, the liking gap is a good reminder that the chances are high that after a conversation with someone new, they like you and vice versa—even if you don’t think they did.
We’re holding ourselves back from engaging more meaningfully because we’re wary and scared of opening up to someone new (AKA a stranger) and that we’ll be seen as awkward lunatics.
This isn’t about divulging where you buy your lingerie but about moving past the weather, sports, and pop-culture gossip and getting energized by the conversation.
And it seems that most of us don’t believe that’s possible with a stranger or a new acquaintance, but based on this study, we’re fooling ourselves!
Think about it.
They don’t know anything about you. It’s a blank slate. Curiosity takes precedence. They’ll be glad to have met you, no matter what you share.
Ok, rant over.
Seriously, try it next time and see how great you feel after you walk away from an honest-to-God conversation with someone you just met. Chances are you’ll surprise yourself.
Check out my social anxiety challenge workbook to sprinkle in some social anxiety tasks this year. You can also do the free 5-day social anxiety challenge to warm yourself up!
You're Worth Knowing Podcast
It’s a podcast to help you fight the toxic shame that impacts all areas of your life so you can walk on the path you were always meant to be on. My goal is to give you the confidence to go out into the world, share your worth, build meaningful relationships, and believe you’re worth knowing just as you are. Listen to the latest episode.
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